Masquerade

We all love to masquerade! We all love to pretend to be something else! I love false eyelashes – because they make women’s eyes look better! (I’m leaving the guys out – I know.) With Halloween coming – it’s fun to dress up – and to find costumes, trendy or strange, to surprise and delight yourself and your friends.

Some people don’t like this kind of event, and they are shy about expressing this way, or they find it uncomfortable. I don’t blame them. When my children were younger, before you could buy costumes for a few dollars at Walmart, I made all the costumes my sons wore. I had ONE rule – it had to be a “good guy.” I didn’t care which good guy it was, but I wanted them to pick (preferably) an ascended master, identify their costume that they found in a book, and then I would copy it. Fortunately, I am a great seamstress, and took patternmaking and design at the Fashion Institute in NY when I lived here in the 70’s, so it was an enjoyable task for me.

Masquerading can have a dark side as well. People hide who they really are with false identities and false information. Studies show that married couples lie to their spouses 1 out of 10 times, and unmarried couples 3 times in 10! Wow. This is research! These same researchers have concluded that we are all a “party” to these lies. Think of the famous line in the first movie of the Matrix series, “Know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.”

Some people, like me, figured out that I couldn’t tell a lie without getting caught, so I decided – to “never lie.” Sometimes though, we do “cover up” things that we do or say without lying – by acts of omission. Sometimes we keep the truth hidden because we are afraid of another’s reaction. Sometimes we lie out of convenience. It’s easier to let the other person think what they want to think than get into an explanation!

I remember my shock at age 16 when my mother, a beautiful natural redhead, told a story from her high school days. She said one of her teachers asked her if she dyed her hair. Those were the days when a woman who colored her hair was considered “loose” or worse! I asked her, “What did you say?” Mom said, “Yes.” I shrieked, “MOTHER!” She smiled.

“Why would you say such a thing?” her reply surprised me. She said, he already thought her hair was colored. Why else would he have asked? She figured if she said “no” he would think she was a liar and loose! It’s funny now, as I remember my first lesson in human psychology.

Belonging to an Edgar Cayce “A Search for God” group, we had a cool deck of cards put out by someone who was promoting “A Course in Miracles.” We drew a card each week, and at the end of a study session the nicest woman in the group, an older woman, pulled the card, “Stop lying.” We were all shocked! The study group leader suggested she “sit with it” and see what would unfold that week.

When we all reconvened, she reported how she had discovered she lied to her 20 something son when they were watching TV, and he wanted her to get up and make a sandwich for him. (He knew how to do that!) And when her husband wanted to go to the movies, she agreed she wanted to see what he wanted to see. For all of us, we realized that it doesn’t serve us to lie to please someone. Maybe they would WANT to know how we really feel, so they can decide if they want to please us instead!

When my first marriage ended, I realized I had been lying to my husband about a lot of things that I had determined would upset him. I “took care of things” that he was supposed to do after asking several times, instead of insisting he “do his part.” That aha took a bit of convincing from our counselor, as I just thought I was going ahead and getting something done rather than to keep asking! I made a renewed commitment to always tell the truth if I ever had the chance to be with someone again.

One day, we hired a company to wash our house windows. The bill was over $500, but I had seen how hard this college student had worked. I noticed how careful he was around our landscaping and wanted to tip him. My husband while writing the check, refused. We were newlyweds and I didn’t want to argue with him. Yet I knew the window washer was probably making minimum wage. I followed the young man out of the house and gave him his well-deserved tip anyway.

By dinner I was a basket case – I had violated a sacred promise to myself, and knew I needed to “come clean.” My husband was totally fine with it – and we agreed to “spending limits” without consulting one another.

Where are you masquerading? What part of yourself are you secretly “ashamed of” and unwilling to expose? What can you learn from deciding to always tell the truth?

Is there a way to tell the truth when you don’t want to hurt someone? Yes! Start by saying, I need to say something that might upset you. Don’t manipulate by saying, “I’m not telling you unless you promise not to get mad.” There’s a scene in a movie I saw once where Robert De Niro is asking his son about something – and the son is giving a similar response. Robert says, “It’s ok. I won’t get mad. Just tell me the truth.” The son does, and Robert slaps him. Shocked, the son says, “I thought you said you wouldn’t get mad.” Robert De Niro replies, “I lied.”

Deciding to “always tell the truth” and enlisting your angels help, will help you uncover and discover where you are “fudging.” Reading the book, “Radical Honesty” by Brad Blanton will point you in that direction as well. There is only one exception to this sage advice. If you know the person you are talking to is a narcissist, you must always give them rightness first. You might say, “I know you already know this,” or “I know you probably discovered this,” and then give your information. This way, you will allow the narcissist to get what they need, while taking care of yourself too.